Greetings, fellow trainwreck beholders.
Isa and I continue to brave the onslaught that is Season 11 of The Bachelorette and report back. Whether you’re following the show or just reading these without context, we hope you enjoy our playful, yet biting commentaries. We recommend pairing this recap with a two-litre water bottle filled to the brim with room-temperature pinot grigio.
Claire Ward-Beveridge: Isa, let’s start by discussing how we feel about Kaitlyn now. I mean, we’ve always been rooting for her, but are we to the same extent? I think I am.
Isa Montagnese: I think I am too! She’s still just as cutthroat, we also know she’s got a weird singing voice and she takes no shit, and she can live off white wine and Tic Tacs! That’s basically a super power.
CWB: She seems about two drinks in at all times, but it really works in her favour because she’s just blunter about everything. I feel like Hannah [Claire’s sister] had a good point as well in suggesting that the producers might dole out low-level anxiety meds, like Clonazepam or something, to the bachelorettes because they all seem slightly subdued and maybe it prevents them from losing their minds with stress and pressure.
IM: Oh, that would so twisted, but she’s probably right.
CWB: I mean, who knows for sure. I might ask for some Ativan or something though if I were her.
IM: Also to be able to handle walking into a room full of football player-sized idiots.
CWB: Yeah! Their deadened eyes just trained on you.
Okay, so the episode begins with Nick trying to assimilate. As mentioned in the last recap, Nick was brought on in last week’s episode after being in touch with Kaitlyn via Twitter. He’s also a previous Bachelorette contestant.
IM: Very Spencer Pratt, like you said. He’s truly slimy.
CWB: Yeah, he doesn’t appear to have much of an actual soul.
IM: The leader of the deadened-eyed crew.
CWB: Totally, yeah. And yet he doesn’t seem that much different than a lot of the dudes. He just stands out because he snuck in late. There’s no damned way that all of the other contestants are all on the show for purely valiant, noble, reasons. The scene with Nick trying to explain himself perched at the edge of one giant leather couch whilst the rest of the gang are spread out across some other kind of leather furniture set is kind of interesting. He has a smirk on the whole time.
IM: So funny. I also can’t help but fixate on how sleep-deprived and half-drunk/hung-over they must be all the time. Who‘s your favourite bachelor right now?
CWB: Oh god, yes. They all look like they’re on the precipice of rage-tears. Some of their eyes are fully welled up at times and they must be just living off Powerbars and vodka Red Bulls. You gotta feel for ‘em a bit.
Ryan Schnozling (Shawn B.) is my favourite right now I think. Also full credit to Grantland writer David Jacoby for this very apt moniker.
IM: He’s so handsome. I think Toilet Snake (Ben Z.) is still my favourite. Such a meathead.
CWB: Ha ha. Yeah, he’s fairly charming in his own way. What’s the name of the dude who got his hair shaved?
IM: Josh! Yes, that was probably the dumbest thing I’ve seen on this show in a while. He thought it would be cute to ask Kaitlyn to give him a haircut and she tried to give him a half of a Mohawk, or as you put it, a cheap soccer player haircut.
CWB: Yeah he looked like a total soccer hooligan. The haircut idea is sort of smart in theory. Like, I’ve given a couple of trims to dudes in my time and it can be kind of a fun, flirty thing to do, but she fucks it up right off the bat and when he returns to the den of overtired hunks, they all ridicule the hell out of him and he takes it way personally. At first I was kind of into Josh’s affronted-ness re: Nick joining the show, but then as this episode goes on, he just seems so pathetic.
IM: I actually re-watched this scene (don’t judge) after Josh tells Kaitlyn all the dudes feel the same about ol’ Nicky joining late. She puts him on the spot and demands to know who feels the same and he resists then names Ben Z. and Ben just straight up says “What’re you talking about, dude?” and Josh is so hurt…
CWB: He looks truly wounded. There was another scene I actually would re-watch in a second that you had mentioned having a second look at, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
IM: Nick now is basically in the clear!
CWB: Yeah he’s kind of inadvertently redeemed himself. Did that conversation with Josh happen before or after the mariachi thing?
IM: I don’t even remember. This episode was a bit of a boring blur. The group dates and one-on-one dates are like blah, whatever now to me. I’m jaded.
CWB: Yeah they do kind of just blend in. The only parts that stand out are like, heated (in aggression or romance) close encounters.
IM: The producers did a great job of cutting all the make-out scenes close together to make it appear as if Kaitlyn just walks from room to room smooching everyone.
CWB: There’s no way that wasn’t heavily edited. And then placing the rest of the gang like, 15 feet away behind glass like they’re apes in a zoo freaking out and smacking the glass and hooting with rage. I fully support her smooching everyone.
IM: Speaking of which, one part I re-watched was this very odd moment where Cupcake says, “Oh there’s my girl … Oh I guess I mean our girl haha.” He’s a little weirdo.
CWB: I’m not 100% sure on the sex thing (the teasers for this season allude to Kaitlyn sleeping with a contestant fairly early on). Like in the real world, yes, if you feel good about it, fuck whoever you want, whenever. But on the show, the way in which this particular reality show is constructed and in considering how society views women and their sexuality, like, there’s no way the system isn’t going to try and make you pay for “what you did.”
And yes, he is a weirdo. How did [our pal] Trevor describe him again?
IM: That he looks like a B+ assignment in Intro to Computer Graphics. Spot-on.
CWB: So spot on. Trevor will be joining us next week to watch I believe and I’m sure we’ll be able to pull some choice quotes.
IM: Also I absolutely agree about the sex thing. There is no way the producers would let her just get away with boning someone and moving on. They’ve gotta shame her at least a bit. I mean I get it–there wouldn’t be drama unless there was some shame involved, but man, what a great show it would be if she just boned whoever and everyone was cool with it.
CWB: Yeah! Like, jealousy is real and it’s normal and if the gender roles were reversed, of course the women would be upset by it. The whole point of the show is to make people upset in a completely unnatural environment and then put it on TV. Jealousy is fine, but relegating this woman’s desire to be on the show to just wanting to make out with dudes on TV….
Can we talk about tall handsome Ian? This is the scene I re-watched with my sister later. Something snaps in Ian (I speculate the snapping originally happened after he chokes yet again in a singing competition after bragging–again!–that he’s a great singer) and he starts rambling to the dudes and in interviews that he is too good for the show.
CWB: He’s completely all talk and underneath the surface is a lot of rage and self-hatred.
IM: But not just being like, “Meh I don’t like it here.” It’s full-on with “My ex was hotter than her,” “I’m an anomaly,” “I’m a catch,” and “If I’m not good enough for this show, then the show is wrong” kind of shit. He’s nuts.
CWB: He’s completely insane and his ego is massive and so, so fragile.
IM: Sooo fragile. My favourite line of his: “I’m not here to have fun.”
CWB: Ha! Yes. “I’m here to get revenge on the women in my life that have rejected me.”
As soon as a dude starts displacing rage onto women for rejecting them it’s like, Elliot Rodger alert, watch the hell out. God, I wish we could link to this scene. Maybe someone will have posted it by now on Youtube.
IM: Ha, yes! Then he decides to have a chat with Kaitlyn before the rose ceremony (happening next week) and unloads a whole lotta guilt on her.
CWB: Just completely implodes. And her face.
IM: Alright, I’m gonna paraphrase here. He says he came to the show to meet the girl who got her heartbroken, not someone who wants her “fields ploughed” (ew!). Then he says she’s clearly just on the show to make out with a bunch of dudes (uh, yeah, duh) and then says he doesn’t blame Nick for coming back, he blames her. And that he wonders if she really is that shallow. But dude, that’s the nature of the show!
CWB: I mean yeah, what is inherently wrong with making out with a bunch of dudes on TV? And then her face just morphs into the most incredulous, disgusted grimace.
IM: So, Claire, since by now we’re both BFFs with Kaitlyn, we can tell that Ian’s not gonna last.
CWB: He blew it.
IM: Another lovely example of how big dudes with hurt feelings blame anyone and everyone. He wasn’t getting kissed so he called her shallow.
CWB: Yep. “I have been spurned and now you must pay, wench.” One more thing we have to touch on: Kaitlyn basically returning Schnozling’s “I’m falling for you” sentiment.
IM: Yes! So two “I think I’m falling in love with yous,” one from Schnoz and one from Pointy Face (Jared), but she mostly just says “samesies” to Schnoz. I don’t blame her.
CWB: I didn’t expect her to do that, but if it’s real, it’s real. I have never seen a bachelor/bachelorette return a sentiment like that at this stage. They usually hold off until the last couple of eppies.
IM: Oh man! She’s in it now; can’t resist that giant head.
CWB: He’s like an Easter Island sculpture.
IM: But! The best part is the chat with super cute Ben H. She literally holds the rose as collateral until he “opens up” and then she presents it as a prize. I’m loving this. It’s like, “Listen, ladies, your man is only a good man if he ‘opens up’ emotionally.”
And “next time…” [Chris Harrison voice] looks like a total doozy, I’m excited to have Trevor around for that.
CWB: Yes, she’s dangling the rose in front of him like it’s a square meal after weeks of eating vodka. I hope next week is just a shitshow.
IM: I have a feeling it will be.
CWB: Let us pray.
Images courtesy of ABC.