‘Bachelorette’ Party: Gettin’ Doug E. Fresh about the bachelors’ performance

As promised, Isa and I are going to attempt re-caps/riffages of Season 11 of the Bachelorette. Here is a late-night discussion we had this week about Episode 4 (the first 3 were covered in a previous post) and I know at least one of us was nursing a generous helping of cheap chardonnay throughout.

TANNER, BEN Z., KAITLYN BRISTOWE, JJ, COREY

Claire Ward-Beveridge: Let’s swan-dive into this.

Isa Montagnese: Okay, so there’s about to be a rose ceremony and instead during her one-on-ones, Kaitlyn learns our bromance pals, Clint and J.J., aren’t truly in love and that Clint is the real no-good game player. So she pulls him aside for a chat.

CWB: And immediately we can all see how on-the-defensive he is. What would we expect otherwise, really?

IM: I feel like all of these dudes are a minute away from just freaking out from hurt feelings.

CWB: If they had experienced a slightly different childhood, they’d shed tears. But they aren’t legally allowed to do so within the world they’ve been brought up in.

IM: Yes, totally.

CWB: Yeah like I feel she truly was interested—whether it was purely libido-based or not—and expressed this and he still acted like a dick to her. How did you feel about him?

IM: I never liked him honestly. He was full of it and kind of a gross face. Then the minute she flexed her muscles, power-wise, he lost it. How did you feel about him?

CWB: Okay. This is a bit revealing for the forum we’re currently using as a mouthpiece for our radical ideas, but to be perfectly (and I mean brutally) honest, I was physically into things. Intellectually, I know he’s awful. But he appeals to me on some base level which I’m slightly ashamed of. But also I agree with you.

IM: Ha ha, is it the tight vests?

CWB: It probably is. And the beady, emotionless eyes.

IM: So she kicks him off the show like a champ (I’m so into how cutthroat she is) and when she tells the rest of the guys, J.J. decides to express his hurt by demanding an apology from Clint for messing up their plan. And Clint is real unhappy about it.

CWB: Which is so weird. It feels out of left field. I mean, at first at least.

IM: Another great example of how all these dudes are incapable of saying “That hurts me,” or “I’m disappointed.” They throw a fit instead and it’s TV gold.

CWB: Oh god, it’s such gold. It’s like Wipe-Out for dumbass hunks.

IM: Ha, yes. So Clint ain’t happy and storms out, and the bromance is officially over.

CWB: His exit is so, so strange. His bestie getting all super serious and slapping himself is very dark. I need to know more details about the dynamics of that whole thing.

IM: Oh, I forgot about that. A very odd, yes, dark moment for poor ol’ J.J. slaps himself right in the face like a “Snap out of it!”

CWB: Yes or like, “You bad boy!” Right? Maybe? It stunned me in a way.

IM: Yeah, very odd. The first group date was a rap battle hosted by Doug E. Fresh.

DOUG E. FRESH, KAITLYN BRISTOWE

CWB: Oh god. That reveal is sad. Like, I’m surprised Kaitlyn is way into him. She’s my age and I don’t know much about Doug E. Fresh. Not that she couldn’t but. .. it’s sort of hard to relate to, in a way? Either way, the whole thing feels very budget. He took the lowest offer the producers offered I bet.

IM: Oh yeah, seems like he was their fourth choice and he doesn’t have much else going on.

The rap battle is surprisingly fun, though, and the real drama happens after the battle. You tell ‘em, Claire, cause I didn’t watch the other seasons.

CWB: Okay, I mean I’m fairly unacquainted with this person/plotline, but essentially Kaitlyn sees someone she knows at the rap battle wrap party? A former Bachelorette contestant, someone that she’d been in touch with via Twitter. Oh god, there’s just something so unappealing about it all. Anyway, she decides to keep this Spencer Pratt lookalike creep on the show.

IM: Yes! After a make-out sesh she keeps him on. Nick V. (P.S. – Readers, do yourselves a damn favour and look at the head shots of all the bachelors. They’re priceless.)

So, the other dudes ain’t happy, but too bad. Kaitlyn gets what Kaitlyn wants. She’s my hero.

CWB: Excellent call. The head shots are very telling.

Yeah, man, she’s truly cutthroat and just very honest in this department. Bit of a departure from other seasons. The remaining dudes try to shame her a bit into feeling bad about wanting more. Like, heaven forbid she is curious about other options.

IM: They’re so threatened, I love it.

CWB: So good. If she needs 3/4 of a pint of white wine to speak her mind, then god bless.

IM: Ha ha, give that girl a smaller glass to carry! One day she’s gonna fall right over!

Anyhow, I forget why, but she has a rather blah one-on-one date with odd man out, Jared. Jared is the most normal sized/looking dude on the show.

CWB: The wine glass appears to be defying physics.

And yes, quite right. Things are normal and therefore like, “Oh okay, now I can kind of see the appeal?” But maybe that’s because we’re both from small towns, girl.

IM: Yeah, he’s growing on me for sure. Looks good in a tux.

Then the Broadway audition group date comes next!

CWB: This is good. This is the kind of competish I can get behind. Give me a Disney song from the ’90s any day.

CHRIS (OBSCURED), BEN H., IAN, JOE, JOSHUA, MICHAEL MINDLIN, KAITLYN BRISTOWE

IM: Ha! So the dudes dance/sing audition singing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin!

CWB: …which is so weird. The feller who wins I wasn’t especially rooting for.

Okay, Isa. If you could pick a Disney song by which to judge potential suitors, which would you select?

IM: Oh god. That’s a tough one. Maybe Gaston’s song from Beauty and the Beast. Just so manly. Which would you choose?

CWB: Oof. I might go “Part of Your World” because I love it and if a dude attempted it sincerely I might either barf or melt. Worth it either way.

Okay so, the actual scene they get in the Broadway number is so hilariously insignificant.

IM: Good one! Oh yes, this made my night. All that build-up to literally stand on the side of the stage for maybe 30 seconds. No lines, nothing.

CWB: Ha, yeah! They clearly didn’t want to disturb any part of the actual performance at all.

Okay, so how are you feeling about Kaitlyn? Are you rooting for her? Would you want to be pals?

IM: I’m loving her! I was worried a passive Bachelorette would ruin the experience for me. But they advertise the show as being a bunch of dudes courting one lady when really, she’s just sucking face with all the hot dudes she wants! She isn’t even bothering to manage their feelings or anything–she’s got no time for that.

CWB: Yes, yes. She’s playing it real, man. No nonsense. She’s going with her gut. At least, comparatively.

IM: I’m super into her and I hope she gets sassier by the episode.

CWB: Yeah man, me too. Just less and less impressed–pickier, sillier, drunker. This season feels different to me.

IM: I’m so happy you forced me to watch this one. It’s glorious. Still too long though.

CWB: Ha! Girl, it’s been my honour. Yeah it’s ridiculously long. Like, sadistically. You basically need alcohol to make it through, even if it’s one glass.

IM: One Kaitlyn sized glass.

CWB: Seventy nine lbs worth of wine.

 

All photos courtesy of ABC. 

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