BY ASHLEY KOWALEWSKI
Well, for starters, I fell asleep. Maybe it was the combination of the cold room and a warm blanket. Maybe it was the fact that I got up really early that morning. Maybe it was Robert Pattinson’s terrible acting, but as far as I’m concerned, if the movie is good enough, no matter how tired you are, you won’t fall asleep. All 109 minutes were spent alternating between a befuddled facial expression paired with comments such as, “what the f*** is going on?!” and dozing off.
In between my catnaps, this is what I gathered: R.Patz plays Eric who is some sort of hot-shot billionaire who spends his day driving around in his stretch limo (it’s hard to feel sorry for him, isn’t it?) and is adamant that he wants to go get a haircut across town, although his chief of security doesn’t advise it. Throughout his journey a bunch of people he knows go and sit in his limo with him while he’s stuck in traffic and they talk about business and he has sex with two of them. What business, you ask? I have no clue, but given the way the movie ended, I’m assuming it’s going bust.
So, then there’s this girl that he’s apparently married to, but she doesn’t seem to like him very much. I gathered that it was a marriage out of necessity, and even though they’ve apparently had sex, his wife didn’t know he had blue eyes. But then, she gets jealous because she can smell that he’s had sex—twice!—with other women. See why I was confused? It makes no sense!
Enter Paul Giamatti. Some ex-employee of Eric that is apparently pissed over something (I’m not sure what—this was one of the parts that I dozed off during) and is planning to kill him. R.Patz stumbles upon Giamatti’s lair and they start talking (and yet, I still don’t know what’s going on) and the action picks up for a mere 10 minutes (I won’t spoil it in case this review hasn’t convinced you to watch and you want to see for yourself—don’t say I didn’t tell you so!) and then ends.
The ONLY redemption of this movie was that even though it claims to be set in Manhattan, it was shot in Toronto and even has some shameless shots of the T.Dot locale: The CN Tower, Union Station, Hotel Germain, and the Canon Theatre.
Do yourself a favour and save the two hours and just watch Collateral. It’s got people driving around in a car, but at least it has a plot you can follow.
Ashley Kowalewski is an editorial assistant and freelance writer based in Toronto. She has enough nail polish to last a lifetime, reads too much for her own good, and is hopelessly in love with Matt Damon (and his bad movies, too). Follow her @AshKowalewski.